I have been pondering over the past few days about these four different topics.
Hate
It is such a strong word. It is a feeling that started with hurt and became bitterness and anger and has become something that I know I can’t have in my life but yet I can’t get rid of it. How can a person love and hate someone at the same time?
Heroin
During the past week, two people who I would consider close to me thought seriously about suicide. One of them talked to me about it while she was thinking about it and the other told me the morning after she tried to overdose on heroin. I am very thankful that both of them are still alive. The thought of death brings many questions and thoughts to mind. Something I told one of them to think about was that death is final. It is not like a video game and you have more lives, you have one life to live. One thing that I told both of them was to think about the people they would leave behind and what affect it would have on them.
Hope
Psalm 43:5 Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.
Something that I really have been thinking about is my faith and what it is based on The “asking Jesus into your heart” jazz is not scripturally based. Telling people that they need Jesus because they are going to hell is frowned upon in my book. Telling people that they have a hole in their heart that only Jesus can fill is bad marketing, and having people say a prayer so they can get to heaven is along way off. Somewhere I think someone got a little off track with what the whole Jesus thing is about. I have seen too many people hurt by what “the Church” is doing and I do not want to see it happen anymore. Who I am is built upon what I believe. So what do I believe? I believe in Jesus and His birth, death, and resurrection. It is something that seems weird but it is something I can find hope in. “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, All fear is gone, Because I know He holds the future and life is worth the living just because He lives.”
Homosexuality
Homosexuality is a word and a lifestyle that I am finding that many people (including myself) do not know how to respond to. It is one of those things that Christians seem to focus in on and say that it is wrong. Leviticus 18:22 says, "'Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable. I am not a big fan of homosexuality I must admit, it weirds me out, BUT, I am going to love people with a different sexual orientation that I have, even if it makes me fell weird. I know it is a very debatable subject and it is something I will go more into some other time but, I feel like it is one of those pick and choose Bible passages. The Bible says in Malachi 2:16-"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel," There are a few verses that talk strongly about divorce but when someone’s marriage is hurting, we do not bring up the verses. I know many people that have been divorced and married even within my church and it is not something that people look down on them for. Who knows Are there divorceaphobes like there are homophobes? I would really like to how many people have different sexual orientations and are afraid to tell the people around them for fear of rejection. Isn’t a sin a sin?
Why must we pick and choose what is a little sin or a BIG sin? Why must we pick what is “good” and “bad.” Who decided that drinking alcohol was “bad,” the Bible just speaks about getting drunk. Who decided that certain words were bad? James 5:12 says, Above all, my brothers, do not swear-- not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned. Matthew 5:22 says, “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca, (An Aramaic term of contempt) 'is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.” Those are interesting verses for me to think on because even though I do not say “bad” words, I call people stupid, I get angry, and I say things other than yes and no. If I go by the standards of this world… I am a pretty good person. If I go by what the Bible says, I have a lot to work on.
A verse that has been stuck in my head this last semester was Romans 16:19b “I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil.” The kids at church sing a song that says…”be excellent (uh huh uh huh) at what is good, be innocent (woooooo) of evil…and the song goes on. I think that song is something that I need to have ingrained in my head so when situations come up where I have to make a tough decision, I know what the right thing to do is.
So…Those are a few of the many thoughts inside my head
AW
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Distractions....
Dear silly boy,
There’s Something in your eyes
That intrigues me
There’s something about your smile
That makes me comfortable yet nervous around you
There’s something about the way you think
That makes me want to know your thoughts
There are so many questions I want to ask you
So many things I want to know
I want to know about your dreams
And what you want to do with your life
I want to know what your favorites are
And what makes you smile
I want to know if you like me
Or it’s just me that likes you
There’s Something in your eyes
That intrigues me
There’s something about your smile
That makes me comfortable yet nervous around you
There’s something about the way you think
That makes me want to know your thoughts
There are so many questions I want to ask you
So many things I want to know
I want to know about your dreams
And what you want to do with your life
I want to know what your favorites are
And what makes you smile
I want to know if you like me
Or it’s just me that likes you
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Dear beautiful girl,
Before I start, I must tell you that according to one of my friends, I am sheltered and brain washed and I really do not know anything about relationships. I would say that it true to some extent, but something that was once just my parents ideas, have now become part of the way I live. They have become my own by reading, listening, and watching how people act.
The first time I remember being asked out by a boy was at a roller-skating rink. I was not very old but I remember that I was not impressed that this boy had his friend ask me instead of himself, but Jesse (the boy) was SO cute what should I say? When the friend was waiting for an answer, I did not know what to say. One of my sister’s friends finally stepped in and said that I was not allowed to date. I really hadn’t thought about it before and I didn’t know if I could or not. When we got home the story was told to mom and dad and they told me, “before you date or be in relationships with boys you need to read this book, ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ and tell us what you think. Then you can date. So I read the book and through reading it decided that I wasn’t going to date. I was just going to watch. A story from the book that stuck with me was about this girl who dreamed that at her wedding, while she and her husband were saying their vows these other girls came and stood besides her and her husband. All these girls were girls from his past that he had given a piece of his heart to. I decided that I didn’t want to be one of those girls or have a line of guys behind me. Around the same time this weekend thing called ‘Pure Freedom’ came to my church and taught about purity and I received a new book to read called ‘The Bride Who Wore White’. In that book they encourage you to make a shopping list of what you want in a guy and for an example I will share with you some things off the top of my head that are on my list. Loves the Lord, serious about his faith, loves kids, strong jaw line, loves my family, outdoorsy, there’s more but I can’t remember, but you get the idea. Not all of the things on that list are super important but they give me picture of what I am waiting for. I see people who date and it doesn’t work out and I could tell from the beginning because it’s not because the guy was horrible, it was because they had different mindsets.
All throughout jr high and high school I thought it was funny to turn down guys. My favorite turn down has to be GUY: can I have your phone number? ME: Sorry, I can’t remember it right now. My friends around me were also getting asked out, but they weren’t saying no like I was. I want to be my own person. I don’t want to be so-and-so’s girlfriend. I’ve been able to witness so many breakups, tears, and hear about girls worrying about how likes who. It was around then that I decided that when you date two things could happen. Either you get married or break up and since dating is kinda a practice for marriage then is breaking up practice for divorce? In the one of the books I’ve read about dating talks about giving your heart and emotions to guys and I don’t think I want to do that. I want my husband to be mine. I don’t want there to have been other girls who have had their hands on him, in the same thought, I don’t want other guys touching me. I had a good friend who started dating a guy because she felt sorry for him but didn’t really like him. The more time went on she had less time for anyone but her boyfriend until 3 years later he dumped her for a girl who would sleep with him. Her life revolved around him and she gladly took him back a few months later when the other girl moved away.
As my friends and I get older things get more serious. Future, marriage, and children come up in conversations and people date with purpose because they are thinking about the rest of their lives. College is about meeting that special someone and there is a lot of emphases on finding your mate and getting engaged. I didn’t go to college to get my Mrs., I am going to get a bachelors in science. I don’t want to change if and when I start a relationship. I don’t think it is fair for you or for the people around you. One night right after I started college I had the room to myself and I started reading this book called “When God Writes Your Love Story” and the book was really good and it was just what I needed to read at the time. I’ve been known as an anti-dating person and a boy hater in the past and after almost losing my best friend, making a lot of people mad at me, reading “When God Writes Your Love Story”, and then realizing that I was growing up, I decided that I COULD date and there would be nothing wrong with it. Now I am just waiting.
This is something I wrote over the summer for a jr. high girl who asked me what I thought about dating. Since being back at school I am reminded almost everyday that I am single. I went to my first dance a few weeks ago and I wore a dress and makeup (that doesn’t happen every day). While there I was asked to dance by two guys and I told both of them no because I didn’t feel like dancing which was true. I was told many times that night that I looked pretty and after that night, I thought about the power that women have over men. I saw the power I hold that night and it scared me. I want a guy to like me because of who I am and not because of how I look. I don’t want to get a guy because of the way I dress, I want to get a guy because of my personality. In the same thought, I am attracted to guys who are physically attractive and who are able to have a good conversations.
I believe that the man should be the initiator and the pursuer. I have seen to many girls go crazy over guys and practically throw themselves at them and I don’t ever want to be like that. I was asked it I there would be under any circumstance that I would tell a guy that I liked him and I replied that I would only tell him in response to him telling me that he “liked” me.
One time I liked this guy and I told someone who then told him and it was really awkward and we talked online and he knew I liked him but I had no idea if he liked me or just wanted attention from me. We talked for awhile and we even talked about starting a relationship but a few things happened that were key things that made me think why or why not I wanted to be in a relationship with him.
I’m not a loser because I’ve never had a boyfriend (even though it may be debatable). I’m not anti-boy (even though I will advise against being in relationships).
I am waiting and someday some lucky guy will find me.
AW
The first time I remember being asked out by a boy was at a roller-skating rink. I was not very old but I remember that I was not impressed that this boy had his friend ask me instead of himself, but Jesse (the boy) was SO cute what should I say? When the friend was waiting for an answer, I did not know what to say. One of my sister’s friends finally stepped in and said that I was not allowed to date. I really hadn’t thought about it before and I didn’t know if I could or not. When we got home the story was told to mom and dad and they told me, “before you date or be in relationships with boys you need to read this book, ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ and tell us what you think. Then you can date. So I read the book and through reading it decided that I wasn’t going to date. I was just going to watch. A story from the book that stuck with me was about this girl who dreamed that at her wedding, while she and her husband were saying their vows these other girls came and stood besides her and her husband. All these girls were girls from his past that he had given a piece of his heart to. I decided that I didn’t want to be one of those girls or have a line of guys behind me. Around the same time this weekend thing called ‘Pure Freedom’ came to my church and taught about purity and I received a new book to read called ‘The Bride Who Wore White’. In that book they encourage you to make a shopping list of what you want in a guy and for an example I will share with you some things off the top of my head that are on my list. Loves the Lord, serious about his faith, loves kids, strong jaw line, loves my family, outdoorsy, there’s more but I can’t remember, but you get the idea. Not all of the things on that list are super important but they give me picture of what I am waiting for. I see people who date and it doesn’t work out and I could tell from the beginning because it’s not because the guy was horrible, it was because they had different mindsets.
All throughout jr high and high school I thought it was funny to turn down guys. My favorite turn down has to be GUY: can I have your phone number? ME: Sorry, I can’t remember it right now. My friends around me were also getting asked out, but they weren’t saying no like I was. I want to be my own person. I don’t want to be so-and-so’s girlfriend. I’ve been able to witness so many breakups, tears, and hear about girls worrying about how likes who. It was around then that I decided that when you date two things could happen. Either you get married or break up and since dating is kinda a practice for marriage then is breaking up practice for divorce? In the one of the books I’ve read about dating talks about giving your heart and emotions to guys and I don’t think I want to do that. I want my husband to be mine. I don’t want there to have been other girls who have had their hands on him, in the same thought, I don’t want other guys touching me. I had a good friend who started dating a guy because she felt sorry for him but didn’t really like him. The more time went on she had less time for anyone but her boyfriend until 3 years later he dumped her for a girl who would sleep with him. Her life revolved around him and she gladly took him back a few months later when the other girl moved away.
As my friends and I get older things get more serious. Future, marriage, and children come up in conversations and people date with purpose because they are thinking about the rest of their lives. College is about meeting that special someone and there is a lot of emphases on finding your mate and getting engaged. I didn’t go to college to get my Mrs., I am going to get a bachelors in science. I don’t want to change if and when I start a relationship. I don’t think it is fair for you or for the people around you. One night right after I started college I had the room to myself and I started reading this book called “When God Writes Your Love Story” and the book was really good and it was just what I needed to read at the time. I’ve been known as an anti-dating person and a boy hater in the past and after almost losing my best friend, making a lot of people mad at me, reading “When God Writes Your Love Story”, and then realizing that I was growing up, I decided that I COULD date and there would be nothing wrong with it. Now I am just waiting.
This is something I wrote over the summer for a jr. high girl who asked me what I thought about dating. Since being back at school I am reminded almost everyday that I am single. I went to my first dance a few weeks ago and I wore a dress and makeup (that doesn’t happen every day). While there I was asked to dance by two guys and I told both of them no because I didn’t feel like dancing which was true. I was told many times that night that I looked pretty and after that night, I thought about the power that women have over men. I saw the power I hold that night and it scared me. I want a guy to like me because of who I am and not because of how I look. I don’t want to get a guy because of the way I dress, I want to get a guy because of my personality. In the same thought, I am attracted to guys who are physically attractive and who are able to have a good conversations.
I believe that the man should be the initiator and the pursuer. I have seen to many girls go crazy over guys and practically throw themselves at them and I don’t ever want to be like that. I was asked it I there would be under any circumstance that I would tell a guy that I liked him and I replied that I would only tell him in response to him telling me that he “liked” me.
One time I liked this guy and I told someone who then told him and it was really awkward and we talked online and he knew I liked him but I had no idea if he liked me or just wanted attention from me. We talked for awhile and we even talked about starting a relationship but a few things happened that were key things that made me think why or why not I wanted to be in a relationship with him.
I’m not a loser because I’ve never had a boyfriend (even though it may be debatable). I’m not anti-boy (even though I will advise against being in relationships).
I am waiting and someday some lucky guy will find me.
AW
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Stuck in a mindset
Have you ever felt like you are stuck in a culture, stuck in a mindset, and you don’t know how to get out.
Sunday night I watched Don Millers dvd Free Market Jesus. It was interesting to think about how the economy influences the way we view “the Church” and Christianity. It is also interesting the way we are conditioned to advertisements and how even Jesus and Christianity is marketed.
Tuesday night Don Miller came to campus and talked about his new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. His book and talk is about stories and conflict and how they go together and how we have this view that God will take all conflict away and it won’t happen. I want my life to be a good story. Not one that doesn’t have meaning, or someone would walk away thinking it was pointless or even have someone feel content and happy in at the end. I want a life that makes people think and question and want to have more out of life.
Wednesday nights I lead a small group for 5th grade girls. There were 11 fith grade girls last night and it was crazy. Our lesson was about Jesus being a party pooper. We were to discuss different aspects of Jesus being at parties and what He would do and how we would react. At the end of the lesson I asked them the same question I started with which was, “Do you think Jesus is a party pooper?” In the beginning, they all said no, because they figured that, it was the right thing to say. In the end, most of them said sometimes because sometimes we know that something is wrong and we know that if Jesus were there with us we would feel bad doing it and so He would be the party pooper.
Tonight I watched a session from this organization called Advent Conspiracy. They are sessions that make you think about different aspects of Christmas. Tonight’s was called “Spend Less” and it was about the materialistic part of the season. How often are we so caught up in the action of having to give gifts that the gifts lose their meaning? I know that I am fully caught up in having a want list and not being satisfied with what I have. It kinda ties in with what was put in my head from the Free Market Jesus dvd and how we as Americans are conditioned that life will be better if we have whatever it may be that we want.
What about the people in other countries and even around here that just have enough to get by or not even that? Here I am wanting more and not being satisfied with what’s in front of me. How often do I take for granted an education, clean water, a roof over my head, warm clothing, three hot meals a day if I choose and the list can go on.
Here I am in college with big plans of what I want to do and who I want to be. What of that is me focused on myself? How can I use what I have and where I am going to help others? How can my story have meaning? Those are just a few of the random thoughts going on inside my head.
Sunday night I watched Don Millers dvd Free Market Jesus. It was interesting to think about how the economy influences the way we view “the Church” and Christianity. It is also interesting the way we are conditioned to advertisements and how even Jesus and Christianity is marketed.
Tuesday night Don Miller came to campus and talked about his new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. His book and talk is about stories and conflict and how they go together and how we have this view that God will take all conflict away and it won’t happen. I want my life to be a good story. Not one that doesn’t have meaning, or someone would walk away thinking it was pointless or even have someone feel content and happy in at the end. I want a life that makes people think and question and want to have more out of life.
Wednesday nights I lead a small group for 5th grade girls. There were 11 fith grade girls last night and it was crazy. Our lesson was about Jesus being a party pooper. We were to discuss different aspects of Jesus being at parties and what He would do and how we would react. At the end of the lesson I asked them the same question I started with which was, “Do you think Jesus is a party pooper?” In the beginning, they all said no, because they figured that, it was the right thing to say. In the end, most of them said sometimes because sometimes we know that something is wrong and we know that if Jesus were there with us we would feel bad doing it and so He would be the party pooper.
Tonight I watched a session from this organization called Advent Conspiracy. They are sessions that make you think about different aspects of Christmas. Tonight’s was called “Spend Less” and it was about the materialistic part of the season. How often are we so caught up in the action of having to give gifts that the gifts lose their meaning? I know that I am fully caught up in having a want list and not being satisfied with what I have. It kinda ties in with what was put in my head from the Free Market Jesus dvd and how we as Americans are conditioned that life will be better if we have whatever it may be that we want.
What about the people in other countries and even around here that just have enough to get by or not even that? Here I am wanting more and not being satisfied with what’s in front of me. How often do I take for granted an education, clean water, a roof over my head, warm clothing, three hot meals a day if I choose and the list can go on.
Here I am in college with big plans of what I want to do and who I want to be. What of that is me focused on myself? How can I use what I have and where I am going to help others? How can my story have meaning? Those are just a few of the random thoughts going on inside my head.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A Change
Dear Friend, 4/3/2009
You have so many questions without answers
So many fears that have never been addressed
So much hurt that you have been hiding
That is catching up with you now
You know you have problems
And your fine with the sin you are living in
You don’t want to change
And you don’t understand why people want you to
I hurt when you hurt
I believe that you can change
I have faith that you can do something with your life
I just want you to try
Why do Christians judge?
Why does she feel like she needs to hide?
How can we change the direction we have been going in?
Who will answer her questions?
Where is God in all of this?
He sees her sin
He sees her doubt
He sent His son to die for her
Will she accept Jesus
Will she believe that there is hope for her
Can she get out of the lifestyle she is in
Will she begin a new life?
You have so many questions without answers
So many fears that have never been addressed
So much hurt that you have been hiding
That is catching up with you now
You know you have problems
And your fine with the sin you are living in
You don’t want to change
And you don’t understand why people want you to
I hurt when you hurt
I believe that you can change
I have faith that you can do something with your life
I just want you to try
Why do Christians judge?
Why does she feel like she needs to hide?
How can we change the direction we have been going in?
Who will answer her questions?
Where is God in all of this?
He sees her sin
He sees her doubt
He sent His son to die for her
Will she accept Jesus
Will she believe that there is hope for her
Can she get out of the lifestyle she is in
Will she begin a new life?
A Letter to you
Since I'm not very good at writing blogs about what is going on in my life. I am going to start putting letters on here that I have either written for myself or written to others.
I like to think and I normally have something that I am trying to process or find information on. Sometimes its really deep and other times I'm finding out info on silly random things like growing pineapples or raising crickets. All of these things are part of who I am.
I have a good friend who I love writing letters to. She and I have written many notes back and forth during jr. high and we now send long emails back and forth. So as I write it will be like I am writing to her and explaining all the random thoughts inside my head.
We'll see how this works out.
AW
I like to think and I normally have something that I am trying to process or find information on. Sometimes its really deep and other times I'm finding out info on silly random things like growing pineapples or raising crickets. All of these things are part of who I am.
I have a good friend who I love writing letters to. She and I have written many notes back and forth during jr. high and we now send long emails back and forth. So as I write it will be like I am writing to her and explaining all the random thoughts inside my head.
We'll see how this works out.
AW
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Who am I
I am a: Christian, student, daughter, sister, friend, roommate, hunter, fisher, and a (future) biologist.
I love: thinking, exploring, learning, talking, listening, watching
I struggle with expressing what I think and feel (so bear with me if you read this blog)
I want to make a difference in this world (but somedays I wonder if I make a difference)
Welcome to the thoughts inside my head
I love: thinking, exploring, learning, talking, listening, watching
I struggle with expressing what I think and feel (so bear with me if you read this blog)
I want to make a difference in this world (but somedays I wonder if I make a difference)
Welcome to the thoughts inside my head
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