Home

Many cars in the driveway
and shoes in the doorway

"Just in time" for something
Usually we are eating

People are coming
and people are going

There is laughter and singing
Yelling and random noises

Watch your step
Please excuse the mess

The door is unlocked
You are always welcome

This is my home

Thought

I don’t have answers, I just have questions and this crazy thing called faith.

Be Different

Don’t give in

You are stronger than you think

Don’t give up

Because what they have won’t last

You have purpose

You have worth

Please don’t give up

There’s so much more than what this world has to offer you

The things of this world won’t last

You will never be satisfied

You will always want more

there will never be enough

There is one thing that will satisfy you

It’s the thing you don’t want to hear

Jesus calls for us to be different

To go against the flow

By following Him

We must lose our life to gain it

Through following Him

We have to see the world through different eyes

Jesus Christ, Savior of the world

Through Him

There is hope

There is love

There is forgiveness

There is healing

There is truth

Something was lost

There was a skip in the record

A smudge in the ink

Something didn’t communicate

Something didn’t transfer

The story was mixed up

The message was changed

What was meant to be good

Has turned into a monster

Don’t sell me your religion

I don’t want to buy your Jesus

They cover up the flaws

Only telling you parts of the story

What is the truth?

What does it mean?

For you and for me

Living life

Searching for something

Trying to find answers

Where will answers be found?

What is Christianity all about?

Wounds Go Deep

Self-harm, hate, loneliness

Withdrawing from the world

Hiding who you are…

The pain and hurt you bear

Wanting to be noticed

Wanting to be loved

Trying to get through this

But it seems as if you are falling

Rescuer, save her

Healer, heal the wounds

The wounds that go deep

The scars that will not heal

Break the chains that hold her captive

Prove wrong the lies that she believe

Give her hope

Give her a reason to live

Freedom

2 am phone calls

Why must you

Always go back to the bottle

Why must you always

Try to numb the pain

The bottle isn’t helping

It’s hurting you more

Slurred speech, stupid decisions

You can’t remember what you have done

When will you wake up?

Will you ever see?

You aren’t just hurting yourself

You are hurting me

Shaken Up

I can’t be the person
I once was

My life has been shook up
My heart has been broken

I have been called
To take part in something bigger

I can’t ignore the voice
Or the feelings inside me

A passion that is building
A fire inside me

I can’t keep it contained
It has to be set free


"God send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to yours. -David Livingstone

Save you

I can’t hold your hand
Keep you from falling
and watch your every step

I can’t tell you what you can
or can not do
The decisions have to be yours

I can’t protect you
or monitor you every move
you have to live your own life

I can't read your mind
Make you talk
Or even sometimes give you good advice

BUT

I can love you
Encourage you
Be there when you need something

I can hold you when you cry
Listen to you vent
be there during the up’s and downs of life

In the end
What it all comes down to is…
I can’t save you

Stories

No one understands her
She feels so alone
Thinking about suicide

Live

Looking for love
Trying to fit in
She gives herself away

Purity

Alcohol consumes him
She is his target
Tired of the bruises

Safety

Tired of everything
Numb to the pain
Scars remain

Healing

Look in the mirror
Don’t like what you see
Throw up what you eat

Healthy

Dear Church,
This is my generation
These are my friends stories

Listen

Please stop ignoring the pain
It won’t go away
You need to do something about it

Action

Don’t lecture or preach
Listen and love
Be Jesus

I'm finished

I never thought I would be saying, in the middle of October, that I finished a semester of school. I never thought I would be so relieved by looking at my transcript. As I saw that all the incompletes on my transcript had turned to letter grades my eyes filled up with tears. I called my mom and I had tears running down my face as I read to her my final grades for Spring 2010.

The last six months of my life have been an emotional rollercoster. Getting sick, leaving school with a week and a half left, having the doctors not know what's wrong, having test after test come back negative, not getting better but getting worse... two months later finding out what was wrong, knowing the only thing I could do was rest and wait it out, not being able to do the research position I was looking forward to doing over the summer, knowing that I had eight tests, two papers, a lab report, and a quiz waiting for me back at school. It has been a hard six months of my life.

My prayer during this time has been the Barlow Girl song Stay with me. The song says

"My steps never felt so hard
The end never look so far but
If you won't take me out
Then please take me through this"

"make me see that this is not forever"


Looking back I can see how God is faithful. He took me through it, every step of the way. There were so many people praying for me. My mom would put an "Anna Update" in her facebook status and would get many responses from people from all over who were praying for me. The children's librarian at our local library had her church praying for me. There were people I have no idea who they are praying for me. It's overwhelming to think about.

I have a greater appreciation for Greenville College and the professors here. I left so much unfinished but was given a second chance. I was able to make up the work when I was feeling "better" and up to it. My professors were incredible. After finishing a class, the professor looked at me and told me that if I needed anything to let him know, and I know that he meant it. I had another professor tell me that we needed to meet before I took the final so we could go over the study guide because I should get a grade that showed how much I put into the class. Even the lady at the records office knew me and told me that she had been praying for me. I'm so thankful for being able to have had the opportunity to finish that semester.

During this time I have learned to value people and the stories they have. I had lots of time to think and during that time I thought about my life and the people in my life. I thought about where I had been and what I want to do with my life. I was reminded of the things I was passionate for during high school and I realized that I had lost sight of what use to be important to me. During my time of weakness I was extremely vulnerable. Me being vulnerble made others around me feel comfortable talking to me and I was able to hear some incredible stories and get to know some amazing people. Me being vulnerable and having time to reflect on my life and my actions, I was able to work on fixing some of the relationships I had made mistakes in, in the past.

This whole experience has changed the way I view life. I now know how fragile life is. I am thankful for being able to do simple things like brush my teeth or dressing myself. I'm thankful for the people who were beside me every step of the way, who helped me when I couldn't help myself.

I don't know how this will continue to impact my life. I hope that it won't be a phase in my life that I will soon forget about, but it will be something that God will use to show others how He can work.

*If you read this and want to hear more stories about the last six months of my life, I would love to share them with you.

Broken

I prayed that you would use me
and that you would break my heart for what breaks yours

Now I am broken
and it hurts

I am learning to see the world through Your eyes
and it makes me look twice

Why does the pain and hurt of this world
leave me in a daze?

I feel numb
Like I never want to feel again

I’ve been broken so many times
Why does it keep hurting?

There is a reason I feel
There is a reason I haven’t become immune to the hurt

You have given me a heart
You have given me a passion

You have promised me in Your Word
That in my weakness You are strong

Please let Your strength be seen through me
Because I am broken and You are the Healer

I'm Sorry I'm a Christian

Something to think about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EieFdXy_HwM

I am Alone

I am alone
In my room
With my thoughts

Where are the people who I call friends?
Where are the people I thought I could trust?
Where are the people who said they cared about me?

My conversations have turned shallow
I don’t want you to see what I am struggling with
I don’t think you have noticed the wall I’ve built up around me

Don’t expect me to trust you
You’ve ripped me apart
You have crossed lines that shouldn’t have been crossed

You tell me what I’m doing wrong
Without trying to understand where I’m coming from
I’m done listening to you not approving of the decisions I make

Don’t expect things to be like they were
Because we are both different people now
And I have learned from the past, and will not make the same mistake twice

I still love you
But I don’t want to be hurt by you anymore
So I will just put a smile on my face

slowly fade away

and still be alone

More than Tourists

My sister found this on someones facebook and sent it to me. I liked it, I hope you do to.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 9:34pm
Two Americans went camping. While waiting for their food to cook one evening, one turned to the other and asked, "What's the Kingdom of Heaven like?" The other replied,

"The Kingdom of Heaven is like the National Parks and Forests. Some people hear about them, believe they are beautiful places, but never search for them. Others hear about them, look at pictures on the web, point them out in the distance, but never make time to visit. Still others go to the parks, take pictures, show them to their friends, buy souvenirs, wear them for a time, and return when its convenient. Then there are those who sell everything, move into the parks and actively maintain them."

The one who had asked the question blinked in surprise and then asked, "What does that mean?" The other replied, "It means we need to be more than tourists."

Who am I?

"God send me anywhere, only go with me
Lay any burden on my heart, only sustain me
And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours"
-David Livingstone


Dear God,

Who am I that You would create me?
Who am I that you would save me?
Who am I that you would make a way to love me?
Who am I that you would use me?

Why me God? I gave You my heart many years ago. I gave You my life a few years ago and I'm giving you my dreams as soon as I realize I've held them from You.

I can feel You moving/working in me. During the this time of resting You have been with me as rough as it's been. You have reminded me of who I was and where I have come from. You have renewed a passion inside me that had been pushed aside.

God, use my hands, tender and splotchy from the rash
Use my feet, give me balance, strength to stand, and endurance
Use my words, help them be full of truth and love
Use my thoughts, help me keep them captive, help them be full of You
Use my past, the places I've been,conversations I've had, emotions I've experienced, and tears I've cried
Use the present state I am in, help me to be thankful
Use my future, help me not to become focused on myself and my plans, but to be focused on You and those around me.

Good Song

These Things Take Time by Sanctus Real

I wanna know why pain makes me stronger
I wanna know why good men die
Why am I so afraid of the dark ?
But I stray from the light

I wanna know why you gave me eyes
When faith is how I see
And tell me
Is it easier to doubt
Or harder to believe

Oh there’s so many questions stirring in me

And I wonder why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

How could success make us feel like failures?
And the harder we fall the harder we try
The more I have the more I need
Just to feel like I’m getting by

Oh, there’s so many questions and one short life

And I wonder why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

And we spend so much time
Chasing our tails, hoping to find
Every last answer
To everything in life

So many questions
Not enough time

But I’m still
Wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

Hey!
We all wanna understand why
Evil lives and good men die
On the way to Heaven the truth unwinds
These things take time
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time


*Right now there are many things that I would like to know, and I need to have faith that everything will work out. It may not be what I had planned but I need to be open to what God has planned for me. Waiting and wondering. ah

The things that get you

You know those times where you aren't in the mood. When you don't want to think or feel. When you feel overwhelmed, broken, but yet you feel that something is going to happen. My mind has been on a whirl wind this past week.

One of the things that I have been thinking about is religion. I'm in COR 102 and the class is about Christian thought and life. I had to write a paper last week about pluralism vs. exclusivism and it was very hard, I still don't know what I think about how I should think about salvation.

I had to lead a discussion for a class on ecofeminism. How often do we think about women and nature being connected? It's alot of bologna but yet we can learn from it. If you would like to talk about ecofeminism I would love to tell you about it sometime. : )

Also, I went to a bioethics conference this weekend. I wasn't planning on going, but I found myself at a majority of the talks. What scares me is that something can sound first sound good but then when you let it soak in it's awful. Learning about eugenics, technology and hearing cases about different ethic situations just made my mind spin. As a Christian I need to be informed about what's out there so I know where I stand. I need to make sure I know both sides before coming to a conclusion. This world is a scary place....

I was studying for my cor test and I was listening to Rich Mullins. One of his songs is called creed and it is based on the Apostles creed so as I was listening to it I googled it to see if there was a music video and I found the following instead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQnFU5JvuWY&a=K9Klbf7Zh1Q&playnext_from=ML

If you get a chance watch it. : )

Anyway

I haven't posted anything for a long time, Life has been crazy. These past months have been full of up's and down's and I'm just trying to hang on. Over spring break (last week) I found myself at a Holy Family Shrine and this was on the wall. I wanted to share it.

Anyway By Kent Keith

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spent years building, someone could destroy overnight.

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, others will often be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It was never between you and “them” anyway.

Broken Pieces

Picking up the broken pieces, slowly and carefully. It's painful to know that you broke something and you want to fix what you broke, but you can't. It's not possible. You can't pick up glass that you broke and have it be what it once was.

What you have to do is carefully gather the pieces, big and small, and put them in a place so that they can be recycled.

God can recycle our broken pieces. He can melt down what we broke and make it into something new and beautiful.


I am a DO person, and I want to take the pieces and put them back togethermyself, but as my roommates have remeinded me, I can't. This is not a fun puzzle where things are made to fit together. This is not something to be conquered. This is something that I need to give to the Great Recycler and trust that He can make what I have broke into something new and beautiful.


"It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands"

-Matthew West

hmmmm.....

“After all this has passed, I will remain, after I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again And they’ll be beauty from pain there will be beauty from pain.“ -Superchick


Tears…influenced by frustration, anger, bitterness, disappointment, tried to fight them, but lost over and over again. Words spoken in anger, anger that had been build up over time. Bitterness that has been built up over time that know right where to hurt the person who has hurt you.



I can’t forgive. Because if I forgive them, I need to wish well upon the person I need to forgive. If I wish well upon that person, it gives them grounds to hurt me again. If I don’t forgive them, but keep distance from them, then I will be safe from hurt.

But the hurt they caused me will still be with me.

Forgiveness......

"There will be beauty from pain"

Once upon a time.....

Once upon a time (that may or may not of been very long ago), I was very anti-dating. This was something I wrote during that time. Since then, I have gotten a little better, but I still have my concerns and doubts about the whole idea and thought process. Out of all the relationships I know of (which are many) there are 2 that I admire. There are too many that make me feel uncomfortable. When I wrote this I think I was a little extreme in my thinking but some of my points are true and there are things that we should watch out for and think about.


Mt 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart

That’s just looking at…What do you think he would say about claiming someone who might someday be another man’s wife?

What is adultery?
Adultery: voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse


1Corinthians 10:14 Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry.

What is idolatry?
Idolatry:
1. The religious worship of idols. 2. Excessive or blind adoration, reverence, devotion, ect. Another said… excessive admiration or love shown for somebody or something.


Disloyalty:
1. Being Disloyal, a lack of loyalty to a person, vow, organization, or state
2. a disloyal or unfaithful act

Unfaithful:
1. adulterous, engaging in sexual relations with somebody other than a spouse or partner
2. Untrue to commitments, untrue to commitments, duties, beliefs, or ideals
3. Not like original, not true to the original

Lust:
1. Sexual desire, the strong physical desire to have sex with somebody, usually without associated feelings of love or affection
2. Eagerness, great eagerness or enthusiasm for something

Synonyms are: yearn, desire, long for, hunger for, envy, ect.



Dating: the activity of going out regularly with somebody as a social or romantic partner.

Date: a romantic engagement with somebody

Romantic:
1. Involving sexual love, involving or characteristic of a love affair or sexual love, especially when the relationship is idealized or exciting and intense
2. Suitable for love, characterized by or suitable for lovemaking or the expression of tender emotion


Ephesians 4:19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

1Peter 4:3 For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do-- living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry.



The world we live in says that lust is good, and everyone is doing it. The pressure is out there that if you don’t have a boy/girl friend you are not somebody. The Bible paints this beautiful picture of marriage and how it should be like Christ and the church. We make a mockery of the symbolism by dating and having the vow of “till death do us part…or I find someone better.” “I’m getting to know someone better to see if they’re the ‘right’ one for me” little do you know that they are showing you only what they want you to see so you really aren’t seeing the real them, or maybe you are just studying your human anatomy “We’re just going to live together to see if it would work out if we got married”. How blind and perverse we are becoming. The stories we tell ourselves to make it ok don’t really line up sometimes. What are we showing the rest of the world, when we are acting just like them? If we hurt friends over a relationship it shows you how they treat the people they are closest to, next time it might be you they hurt. How is that showing Jesus to the world? Why does it have to be this way?


Proverbs 5:15-18
Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.


This is the passage that got me thinking. Especially verse 17 the part that says “never to be shared with strangers”. What gets shared that we will never get back when we invest time and emotion in someone? Or will we ever know what has been lost?

Silly thoughts

So, over the weekend I spend some time in a tree stand and when I am in a tree stand I have to sit still and be quiet and when I do that I have lots of time to think.

Sometimes I like to try to connect things and this is my latest one.

Dating can be connected to two of my favorite past times-fishing and hunting.

Fishing in the sense that people can go out and "catch" someone. They also can throw someone back if they aren't "good" enough in hopes that the next one will be better. It can be serious but it's usually pretty easy going.

Now hunting is more intense. You have to know what you want before hand and you have to wait patiently. It's more of a commitment to go hunting than fishing. You can always get another tag, but you hope that you only need one. In hunting what you do really counts and sometimes you only get one shot. Yes you can settle for less and get something smaller, but if you wait, someday that "big buck" will come and you can get him. : )

and this is how my silly mind works when I have spent too much time in a tree stand. : )

2009 Highlights

My mother always asks us to write down our “favorite” thing of the year and our goal for the next year. My mom only wanted one thing but I have more than one highlight from 2009.

Highlights

Passed my freshman year of college!!!!
First summer job-worked for Chautauqua Wildlife Refuge, there are a lot of highlights I could add from that : ) which include banding geese, looking for eagle nests, a week long workshop in Minneapolis, Mn, and learning a lot.
Asian Carp bow fishing by the Illinois River
Canada in August with my family (including Ashley)
Having my Grandma and Grandpa in the same location for a few hours to celebrate my Uncles 50th birthday, (my grandparents have been divorced for 35ish years)
Living in a four person room with three good friends : )
Adding a Chemistry major to my Environmental Biology major
Being able to work in the science department as a teacher’s assistant and take care of the animals

Goals for 2010
Pass another semester of Organic Chemistry (and pass calculus)
Be healthier (less sugary drinks, eating better and working out)
Spring Break in Lincoln Nebraska with my Grandma Ona
Having a thought journal and write down more of what I think about